someone get that fucking seahorse.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
