Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
