I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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