Plan B is the new Plan A
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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