k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I AM VODKA MAN
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
