Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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