I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
