I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
