in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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