kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
