I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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