I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize