Four minutes until I can fart!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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