So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
