I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
