i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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