I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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