Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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