sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
