i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
