see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
