I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
