You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
