I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
