Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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