awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
