aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
