My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
