You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
