I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
