WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
