I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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