does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
