maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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