all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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