I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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