Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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