I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
