we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
