Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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