why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Operation Purity has been aborted
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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