I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
