No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize