He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
