i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
