I am puke
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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