Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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