somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
