Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
