no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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