Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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