I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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