Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
