I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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