I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
