I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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