as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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