They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
