On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
